Or otherwise entitled:
My child’s contribution in providing an alternative spin on the festive season
Now, before you go any further, it’s probably best if I give you a bit of a ‘head’s up’ about this post.
For those of you who’re a little squeamish and averse to reading about bodily functions or maybe if you’re just eating your lunch, then I’d suggest that what I’m about to share might well not be for you.
So, maybe go enjoy your sandwich/tofu salad/fish and chips or whatever and consider coming back to us when you’ve digested.
My friend Lyndsay – who didn’t want a mention, but that’s just tough, she’s got one! – thought it wise that I shared this post with you. And, after thinking long and hard about it, I just have to concur. Because, whilst what you’re about to read could potentially be quite funny and it’s also kind of nice to end my first year with a slightly silly post, there’s also a rather serious side to all this.
So, here goes….
Since Aesop was penning his fables and most definitely when our great Bard (Mr Shakespeare) was putting the finishing touches to “The Merchant of Venice” has the term “All that glitters is not gold” – or words to that effect – been used.
Although, I must add that Shakespeare was probably NOT referring to what I’m about to share with you – I can pretty much guarantee that!
OK, so we all know what children leave in their nappies, right? So I’ll refrain from getting too graphic…but in this post I’ll be referring to poo, faeces, caca, merde – feel free to use whatever terminology you prefer.
Sorry about that. Humble apologies in advance.
So, on changing Hannah’s nappy the other morning, I had THE shock of my life.
Well, not exactly ‘THE’ shock of my life (I’m over dramatizing a bit there) but I must say, I experienced a plethora of emotions….horror, flabbergasted confusion, dismay, speechlessness (me? speechless? pahahahaha!), oh the list is endless.
I simply couldn’t believe my eyes.
Want to know what I saw?…
Get ready for this…
Are you sure you’re ready for this?…
OH, JUST GET ON WITH IT ANNIE, SPIT IT OUT FOR HEAVENS SAKE!!!
I was faced with…
A. BIG. MAHOOSIVE. RED. SPARKLY. POOP!
It twinkled. It shone. It glistened in the bathroom lights. It glimmered, it shimmered, it gleamed and it glowed.
I KID YOU NOT!
At first glance I thought (given it was entirely red) that Hannah had been bleeding – her poop has been streaked with blood on a couple of occasions before, which has been a bit scary. So I went a bit cold and drew breath and my heart was palpating rather more than I’d have liked it to. However, on closer inspection (yes, I DID closely inspect my child’s poop!) I found that it was covered (and I mean TOTALLY covered) in red shiny glitter – and it wasn’t the miniscule round glitter stuff either, but the glitter that looks like splinters….THE BIG STUFF!
To be honest, it looked like someone had rolled a sausage in glitter.
(Sorry, sorry, too graphic? Have I put you off your pigs in blankets?, humble apologies)
I wasn’t entirely sure, right at that moment, whether Hannah had consumed a piece of red tinsel.
It was all a bit of a shock, I must say.
I nearly had to go and have a lie down just to get over the shock! (another slight exaggeration there).
Now, I’m not Sherlock or Miss Marple, but it was blatantly obvious that Hannah must have consumed a rather large amount of glitter whilst in the care of someone else and given that I hadn’t been informed of the incident, I was really rather aggrieved. Justifiably so, in my opinion. Surely, SURELY someone must have had just the slightest inkling that something was awry at the time; that she’d taken a great big, humongous swig of glitter – in fact, I’d defy anyone to eat glitter and not leave even a tiny trace of evidence stuck in their teeth or on their tongue or their face…actually, no, I wouldn’t defy OR recommend you try that, so please don’t try that at home!. It’s not big and it’s certainly not clever…unless you want sparkly poop that is! Although I have, only today, been informed that there IS now a tablet on the market that makes your poop sparkly…why, oh why, OH WHY would ANYONE want to do THAT?
Ah well, each to their own, I say. Live and let live.
Everyone in charge of Hannah’s care is warned (repeatedly by me – which may get a little tiresome, but I can live with that) that Hannah possesses the trait of putting things in her mouth; Ergo, hypervigilance is necessary AT ALL TIMES in order to ensure she is safeguarded from harm. It’s not optional.
There’s clearly been a bit of a blip in this instance.
So, now I can see the funny side, however that’s purely because Hannah doesn’t appear to have been subjected to any long term harm. Thankfully! But it took a couple more ‘motions’ for the offending ‘articles’ to vacate her system completely. Sorry, sorry, TMI again.
However, as I mentioned earlier, there is a rather more serious side to all of this.
You see, for those of you who haven’t previously read any of my posts before, Hannah is non-verbal and significantly developmentally delayed. She has no concept of danger – for herself or others – and she displays lots of sensory seeking behaviour and as a consequence usually puts everything in her mouth. It’s actually a requirement of many parents who have children with additional needs (and, hopefully, usually, others providing care) to possess many ‘super powers’ – two of them being having eyes in the back of your head and the ability to cross the room with the speed of a gazelle in order to grab whatever random (and potentially harmful) object is about to enter your child’s mouth, never to be seen again…or until a general anaesthetic is administered before the surgeon fishes it out of your child’s body!
So what if that glitter wasn’t glitter?
What if, indeed.
What if it was a toxic substance or something sharp that had lodged in her oesophagus or caused her harm in whatever way? Hannah wouldn’t be able to tell me where her pain is (as she can’t locate the pain with her hands), she can’t speak or communicate effectively through sign or in any other way for that matter. So how would I know what was hurting her? The answer is, I might not do, until it became too late…and that scares me. A lot.
It’s not so funny then, is it?
Nope. It’s not funny at all.
Anyway, all that said, I expect the “Grand Tale of the Glitter Poo Debacle” will, no doubt, be banded about for some time to come and all I can say to conclude is that Will Shakespeare was decidedly accurate when he said “All that glitters is not gold”…because I now know different…the evidence was right here at Broccoli HQ!…but it’s on a landfill site somewhere now, just shining up at the sky.
Right lovely people, that’s the last post of this year I suspect. I hope you enjoyed.
Thank you again to everyone who’ve read my posts, liked them, shared them etc. It really does mean a lot. And to my lovely followers. I HAVE FOLLOWERS, YIPPEE!! Thank you.
I’m really not great at spreading the word that we’re here, floating around in the blogosphere, so any help to get the word out would be greatly appreciated…if the urge takes you, feel free to press the follow button on the top right of this page – you won’t get bombarded by emails as I only post, on average, twice a month (if I’m lucky!). Alternatively, please could you consider pressing one of the buttons below (facebook, twitter etc) and help spread the word that way…it also gives me a bit of an indication as to whether people like my posts or not.
Hannah and I wish you a wonderful Christmas (Happy Hanukkah too!) and to all of you a happy, healthy 2015.
Until next time…