Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a bit fed up of turning the telly on and being subjected to all this turgid rhetoric, spin and gobbledygook that so easily falls from the mouths of our politicians at the moment.
You’re going to invest billions of pounds into the NHS are you? YAY, THAT’S GREAT!!!, You’re going to improve the UK transport system? BRILLIANT!, You’re going to help people get jobs, are you? OOOH, EXCELLENT! You’re offering more free child care? WHOOP WHOOP!!
So, how’s about doing it now then?
No? You won’t?
I’ve found that the only way to avoid all this hype is to switch swiftly over to the CBEEBIES channel and keep it on until 8th May when I’ve put my X in the ballot box and it’ll all be over. After that, we’ll be watching a few people in suits being a bit sulky whilst putting on a brave face to the media and the victorious one (s) will be totally smug, trying not to do a little celebratory jig as they skip up to the door of 10 Downing Street, swinging their Louis Vuitton suitcases.
I’ll tell you what, watching Rastamouse, Something Special and Little Princess is FAR more interesting (and informative) at the moment…although I’m not too keen on Nina and the Neurons…sorry Nina!
For my friends who’re reading overseas, hello, welcome and consider yourself reasonably lucky right now…unless you’re also going through an election. If you are, then you have my deepest sympathies.
Honestly, watching the run up is like watching a load of kids in a playground and, tbh, it’s making me a bit queasy: “He said this…”, “He did that…”, “Well, mines bigger than his”, “I’m not playing with her”.
So, despite taking my politics as seriously as I possibly can these days, I’ve decided to have a bit of fun with all of this boloney. As a result, Hannah and I are going to set up our own imaginary party and run for Government, because, let’s face it, we couldn’t make any more of a hash than the current one’s made!.
So, here’s the beginnings of our ideal (sometimes silly) manifesto. It’s not complete yet, there’s lots to think about, so it’s a work in progress. The sillier stuff is mostly in the “other stuff” section if you want to skip the rest.
Oh, btw, we’re calling ourselves The Broccoli Party – well, it’d be rude not to, wouldn’t it?
HEALTH, ADDITIONAL NEEDS ETC
- The word “normal” will be taken out of all dictionaries and banned from use.
- Mandatory disability awareness training will be held for the whole population of the UK. This would include lessons such as how long do you glance at a child with additional needs before it becomes an uncomfortable stare, disability is not actually contagious, the use of appropriate language and so on. Refresher courses will be held periodically.
- There will be suitable toilets and changing places for ALL people with additional needs in EVERY public building.
- All steps and stairways will be replaced with ramps or lifts.
- All public spaces will be sensitive to people affected by SPD, Autism, etc
- Equipment, toys etc for people with additional needs will be free – there’ll be no hiking up the price tenfold by private manufacturers, just because it’s got a disabled label on it.
- Cures WILL be found for things like cancer, life limiting and genetic diseases and so on.
- Prescription drugs will be free and there’ll be no postcode lottery for treatments
- All bureaucratic red tape will be destroyed. Access to PROPER support and services will be made available within 24 hours of initial referral. There’ll be no timescales for intervention.
- There’ll be no such thing as NHS waiting lists. If you needed something, you’ll get it. End of.
- There will be no sneaky privatisation of the NHS
- ALL health staff will go on mandatory training courses re: tact, communication, timekeeping etc etc etc. Everyone WILL have excellent communication and interpersonal skills and nurses will be banned from wearing make-up and jewellery (just like in the olden days when my mother was a nurse).
- Hospitals will be clean and hygienic and no-one will die from, or be affected in any way, by medical negligence or contract a superbug during their stay.
- There will be NO school holidays (except Christmas Day)….HOORAH!!!!!!!!! (sorry Teacher friends, I know you’ll be cross, but I just had to say it)
- There’ll be no fines if parents wish to take their children out of school to go on holiday.
- There will be free after school activities with 1:1 support for all children with additional needs.
- The curriculum will consist of useful, practical stuff too – like budgeting, cooking (healthy food, not Victoria sponges and scones!), getting on the property ladder, keeping healthy, communication skills, saving money, and so on. Kids will flourish in school and be supported in finding a career that they really want to pursue.
- All education will be free.
- Parents will not have to trawl the internet in their frantic quest to complete their children’s homework, because there won’t be any. Parents will, however, be expected to teach their kids to live within their means so that they can (a) sleep soundly at night (b) hold their heads up with pride as adults, safe in the knowledge that they haven’t sponged off anyone to compensate for their own greed. This WILL be mandatory!.
- Parents will not have to schlep to the supermarket in their pyjamas at some ungodly hour because they’ve been informed half an hour before the shops shut that there’s a cookery class the following day. All ingredients will be provided by schools.
- There will be a maximum of 10 children per class. There will be no double maths!
- There’ll be wrap around child care for every family.
- There will be no spacemen or any other such nonsense in Nativity plays.
- Broccoli will be hailed as our national vegetable – well, naturally!.
- Bankers, Footballers and other obscenely over paid prima-donnas, ahem, sorry, I mean ‘professionals’, will be given the privilege of keeping their jobs if they’re so passionate about their ‘craft’ but will have to do it in a voluntary capacity.
- We will place a car crusher alongside every disabled parking bay throughout the UK. Anyone not allowed to use these spaces will immediately have their car (or white van!) crushed and that will simply be the end of that.
- BBC Radio 6 will be the only radio station available. Just because.
- Every family of a disabled child would receive a 1;1 support worker 24/7, a cleaner, a chef and a personal assistant to manage telephone calls and appointments. Two nights free respite will be available on a weekly basis. A two week holiday will also be provided for all the family.
- SKY TV will not be available. We make no apologies for this.
- The railways will no longer be owned by private companies. Trains will run every 5 minutes and will be free.
- There’ll be NO fast food….DEAL. WITH. IT!
- White vans WILL be banned from the road. We make no apologies for this either!
- Every disabled person will be provided with a car/suitably adapted vehicle…and, if necessary, a driver.
- The DLA form will be abolished.
- ANY form of bullying will NOT be tolerated. All bullies will be sent to prison FOREVER.
- Furniture centres will be stopped from advertising any more half price sales ever again.
- The X Factor, Coronation Street, EastEnders and Keeping up with the Kardashians (we’ll be adding to this list!) will be replaced by educational documentaries and Doc Martin will be aired on the telly EVERY night. Martin Clunes will be revered.
- Mums and dads will be able to work flexibly or not at all – dependent on their kids needs. Parents will never be made to feel guilty for having time off to care for their kids.
- All playgrounds, leisure facilities etc. will be accessible to all and user friendly.
- Kind people will be rewarded. Nasty people will be reprimanded – a lot!
- Anyone caught posting shallow pouting ‘selfies’ on social media pretending they’re having a brilliant time, whilst everyone actually knows they’re really not, will be banned from wearing cosmetics for a month and have their mirrors confiscated.
- To celebrate our election victory, Cornish Pasties (specifically steak and blue from the Chough Bakery in Padstow…Omnomnom!) shall be provided to every household…although, it’d be a bit tricky here at Broccoli HQ as Hannah and her daddy don’t eat meat…but we’ll get around that somehow.
- The sun will shine every day. However, on Christmas day it will snow for 1 day only and look beautiful and not turn grey and slushy or icy.
- There will be a 2 day working week for everyone.
- Mechanics, plumbers and such like will never suck their teeth and scratch their head at a lone woman seeking help. They will not tell the damsel in distress who needs her car fixing or her sink unblocking that “it’s gonna be a big job luv and it’ll cost ya”. They will be sympathetic, complete the job in a timely manner, explain in un-patronising terms what they have done and present an invoice suitably fitting for the work undertaken. They will also not leer at the ladies…or we will grass them up to their wives!
- Cornwall will be named THE World’s number one most beautiful destination. You can forget your Mustique, your Seychelles, your Necker Island and all those other places. No contest!
- No one will suffer, everyone will be extremely happy and nice to each other and the country will be a much better place.
So, brothers and sisters of the United Kingdom, are you with us?
Put your X in the ballot box and…
Vote sense, Vote Broccoli!
Right my lovelies, that’s the start of our manifesto. TBH, as you’ll probably know, we’ve had a bit of a rough time here at Broccoli HQ recently, so I thought I’d write something silly(ish) just to keep my mind off a few things. I’m sure you have lots more that you could add to this…so feel free to add in the comments box if you’d like, BUT make sure you keep it nice, don’t be offensive to anyone (we won’t tolerate that) and be as daft as you want.
Until next time,