Oh, I’m really enjoying the 2016 Rio Olympics at the mo.
I must note, however, just for the record, that my enthusiasm has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with all those taut (male!) gluteals in lycra hovering around on my 40 inch plasma.
Nothing at all.
I’m being forced to watch it!
(Am I protesting too much?)
But you know what? Whilst I’m genuinely in complete awe of ALL athletes and sports people AND their families who dedicate years of their lives to their chosen sport, I think us parents could probably hold our own Olympics..
(Btw, just so you know, please don’t take any part of this post too seriously)
Oh, and whilst I named this post ‘Mama-lympics’ I’m not excluding the gents or other people who may play a huge caring role; like dads, grandparents etc. Never would discount, never will do either. It’s just that I couldn’t come up with a better title….the Special Olympics has already been nabbed….so Mama-lympics will have to do.
Sorry about that.
However, unlike our Olympians and other sports people, us parents/carers of children with additional needs don’t have physio on hand, there’s no dieticians, ice baths, masseurs (drat!) or even coaches. It’s just us and we simply get on with it, without any training whatsoever and learning as we go along.
And we most certainly have no sport enhancing substances….aside from the odd Lucozade (breakfast) and the magic weekend juice (aka prosecco!). Obviously!
So I’ve come up with a few events for the Mama-lympics and here they are….
This must be accomplished innumerable times throughout the day.
The rules being that “Oof’s” must be mumbled whilst lugging the kid in and out of the car, in the bath, out of the bath, up the stairs, down the stairs, over the bars of the cot, on and off the changing bed, out of the pram/wheelchair, into the pram/wheelchair etc etc etc.
There must be no warm up. The competitor must bend their knees whilst each ‘Oof’ is being completed.
Marks are given out of 10, per individual “Oof”. The louder, the better.
…just running as fast as you can over a short distance.
Usain Bolt ain’t got nothin’ on me for this one! I’ve smashed his 100m world records on a regular basis whilst sprinting across the room when Hannah’s just about to slip something inedible into her mouth. I don’t need running spikes and a starting block either. Slippers, wellies, flip flops or 6 inch heels – you name it, I’ve sprinted in them all, baby!
As above. However, competitor must jump over a number of hazardous obstacles to reach the finishing line (child) e.g. lego, Mr Tumble books (slippy!), VTech dogs or fire engines or, in fact, anything with VTech on the front, Crayola doodle magic mat with pens and eraser, mobility equipment, bean bags, heathfield chairs.
There are no restrictions on competitors’ choice of footwear for this event.
This event entails chucking the special buggy/wheelchair into the boot of the car with as much force as possible. The rule being that it must be preceded by aforementioned perambulator refusing to fold up properly (usually whilst it’s raining cats and dogs) and the competitor must trap at least one finger within said equipment.
Extra points awarded if accompanied by several expletives. The choice of words are optional.
Hannah’s daddy excels in this event….and get’s Gold every time!
Competitors must navigate a variety of obstacles and chicanes – stationary people, moving people, just generally ignorant people, speeding cars, pavements, revolving doors, very narrow aisles in department stores and supermarkets.
Equipment required: Mahoosive special buggy or wheelchair…and a small person.
Competitor must ensure small person does not pull a plethora of lacy knickers off the racks whilst perusing lingerie in M&S (I won’t get a medal then!) or covertly deposit a packet of pickled onion monster munch about their person whilst navigating the aisles in Sainsbury’s.
Points massively deducted if the security machines bleep on exiting the store.
This sport entails putting child’s clothes on, keeping child’s clothes on (especially in public places when said child – Hannah – enjoys being semi-naked in the Hobbycraft store…or anywhere else, actually *sigh*). Ensuring child does not crack their head open on something sharp or catch something nasty, whilst lay on the floor of a filthy public toilet during a nappy change. Putting child’s shoes and splints on. Keeping child’s shoes and splints on. Putting coats on, keeping coats on.
(I think you get the gist!)
As per freestyle wrestling. However, whilst completing the above tasks, competitor must undertake backwards roll to pike, cartwheel, backbend kickover and a straddle jump on at least four separate occasions within a 24 hour period.
Letters/reports etc marked “To the parent/guardian of…” must be lobbed following immediate delivery through the letterbox.
Competitor must ensure the envelope skids as far as possible across the floor. Distance is key in this sport.
Again, athlete must curse (extra points will be awarded dependent on strength of profanity) whilst stating “I. HAVE. A. NAME. I wished they’d put MY (add expletive here) NAME on it…arghhhh!!!!!!”
Two competitors are required – one big one, one small (ish) i.e. a child. All athletes will undoubtedly excel in this event. However, mini/junior competitors will unquestionably receive a gold medal every time.
The aim of the game being that Mini/junior competitors must do everything in their power to ensure their opponent DOES NOT arrive on time. ANYWHERE. EVER!
Tactics can and may involve:
- An untimely poop, usually 1 minute prior to departure – the messier the better
- Crying for no apparent reason
- Rubbing pasta with tomato sauce into their hair
- Stiffening the whole of the body and pretending to be a starfish whilst navigating out of the door/being strapped into the car seat
- Hiding competitors car/door keys in the bin or toilet
- Taking all clothes and shoes off immediately after being dressed
- Rolling around on the floor
- Demanding a nap
- Being sick down the big competitors clothes. Extra points awarded if this also involves their hair.
- Just generally mucking around and being a bit wild.
The loser (which, naturally, WILL be the grown up competitor) must be made to humbly apologise on arrival at the final destination and be a bag of nerves for at least 30 minutes after the event concluding.
Mini competitor must subsequently retain a completely calm composure and use total charm offensive in the company of others – ensuring loser looks like a liar/complete numpty.
The hospital/doctor dash
Mini competitor MUST present as desperately ill and in dire need of immediate medical attention. Grown up competitor must panic and probably risk a speeding ticket to seek intervention.
Mini competitor must then, on arrival at A&E or the doctor’s surgery regain complete composure. They must laugh, resume a rosy cheeked complexion and present as perfectly healthy. Again, thus, ensuring loser looks like a complete numpty/liar.
Extra points awarded for crying inconsolably, eyes rolling to the back of the head, vague rashes.
(Hannah is exceptionally good at this event!)
The arm curl
(n.b. For grown up competitors only)
Competitor must apply a gentle hand to mouth action whilst gripping a large glass of prosecco (other alcoholic beverages are available, apparently!). No liquid must be spilled in this event. This must only (usually) be conducted on a Friday/Saturday night – unless competitor is in desperate need of relief during the week due to a particularly stressful aforementioned event (see above).
n.b. Whilst I did mention at the beginning of this post not to take it seriously, I don’t, in any way whatsoever, condone hitting the bottle in an attempt to get through stressful events. Please seek help if this is becoming problematic. Alcohol is not the cure. Just sayin’
So, my lovelies, that’s me done for this post.
I’m sure many of you could add a few more events to this! Feel free to add in the comments box below.
Thanks, as always, for stopping by
Until next time
P.s. Oh, just before I go, I want to say thanks SO much for that overwhelming response to my last post (for Hannah’s birthday). Alongside all your good wishes, the 115 Facebook shares were ABSOLUTELY BONKERS!
Guys, you’re amazing. Thank you. xx
This post is dedicated to all the Paralympians and athletes with a disability – you really are awesome! #NeverSayNever ❤