SEND Holidays™

 

Air Broccoli

Credit: Photofunia

 

Oh, exciting times, my people!

Yes, as SEND Bingo™ was such a HUGE success, and as it’s currently the school summer break, we’re expanding into the tourism business.

Yay!

(Btw, just another heads up here: please don’t take any bit of this post in any way seriously, okay? – although Special Parents may well recognise just a soupcon of sarcasm/reference to aspects of our lives/experiences etc here. Possibly)

Oh, and if you didn’t know already, SEND is an acronym for Special Educational Needs and Disability…not the Village in Guildford…just so we’re clear.

 

So, welcome to SEND Holidays™ – your all-inclusive, unforgettable trip of a lifetime!

Our motto is: Inclusion with delusion.  Catchy, eh?

We bet it’s been AGES since you’ve had a break and you’ve been saving up all year for this (actually, what are we talking about?  We hear you lot are loaded; All those free – Three! – nappies per day; all those benefits!).  Anyway, there’s no need to think of anything, we’ve got it ALL covered.

…you’ll never want to go anywhere again!

Ha ha ha!

First off, we need to get you to your destination, so we’ve got you a taxi…

DING DONG

(that’s your doorbell, btw, not me ogling being a good parent and sitting with my child whilst she watches Tom Hardy on CBeebies Story Time *coughs*…btw, she won’t watch telly much *sigh*).

What?  You can’t fit the wheelchair in?  Can’t you leave it at home? You’re only going for a week!  No?  We’ve not even set off and you’re getting all ‘needy’.

Right, you’re at the airport.  Let’s get you through passport control and onto the Departure Gate.  Come on, chop chop!

(I’ve no idea where we’re going…choose your own destination)

Whilst you’re on your way to the Gate, we are confident you will delight in our Duty Free Department…that you’ll need to squeeze through, because there’s no other way to get to the Gate; All those people! That noise! Those smells! All those shiny, shiny things to navigate around! All that sensory overload! Consumerism at its finest! YOU NEED ALL THAT STUFF. Buy it…BUY IT NOW!  Oi, kid, don’t touch the…ah, too late, never mind. It’ll mop up.

Btw, if you need one of those ‘special’ toilet things, you’ll have to go to Gate 128574. We think it’s still open.  Possibly.  Hurry, we’re boarding soon!

BING BONG: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Flight 666 will be boarding in 5 minutes.  Please make your way to Gate 2”

Run…RUN!!!!!

So, you need seats together as “a family”.  I see.  Nope, not happening.  You got preferential treatment to board first, what more do you want? You’ll get a week together when you get there! *tuts*

…and don’t be asking for one of those ‘special’ toilets on here either.  Our toilets are special enough.  You should’ve gone before we set off.  A nappy change?  In here? Ha ha ha, I don’t think so!

“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking.  Welcome to Air Broccoli.  You’ll be pleased to know your destination is currently experiencing a heatwave and today is a glorious 45 degrees.  You Brits aren’t used to the sun, so fear not, there’ll probably be plenty to do indoors until it passes.  We’ll shortly be taxiing onto the runway and will be flying at 40,000 feet so please fasten your seatbelts.  Yes, we know your kid doesn’t like being ‘restrained’ and no, we don’t supply those ‘special’ seats, but them’s the rules.  Oh and make sure the kids sit still and keep the noise down…we don’t want you disturbing our other passengers, do we?”

 

It’s been a long day, hasn’t it?.  You’ve left home, travelled to the airport, squeezed through Duty Free, got through security after being patted down and scanned a million times – after all, you lot look a bit dodgy…the tubes in that little wheelchair we tipped your kid out of could’ve been stuffed with anything! PLUS you lied when you said you had no liquids…you had that quarter bottle of hand sanitiser you’d forgotten about in the bottom of your changing bag! #truestory #sorrysecuritylady; waited 2 hours to board and now you’re here…at your sweltering destination (after waiting in the sun for the coach to arrive for 45 minutes)

Phew!

Right…

Let the holidays begin!

Here’s your hotel…mind the step(s)…

Here at SEND Holidays™ we’ve recruited the crème de la crème of staff, who’re highly knowledgeable in all things disabilitied-like and we’re equipped to meet your every need.

Ah, see over there?…there’s our Receptionist, Rhianna, now.  Not too interested in her job is our Rhianna, so don’t expect a warm welcome…at least you’ll get your door key and she’ll point you to the stairs with a grunt.  Your room is situated on the 3rd floor. The lift isn’t working though.  Don’t worry, she’ll keep one eye on your bags (the other will probably be on date-a-fireman.com) whilst you traipse up and down.    Apparently you lot don’t mind a bit of exercise.  It’ll do you good!  What?  You booked for ground floor?  Needy, needy, needy!  We can see you lot are going to be trouble.  Okay, give us a couple of hours and we’ll sort it.

And over there is our lovely Tour Guide, Tina.  She’ll be on hand throughout your stay if there are any problems or questions.  Well, actually, once she’s subjected you to your 2 hour chat about the local attractions and the obligatory medieval banquet at £75.00 pp (SEND rates) or £15.50 (‘normal’ rates), you won’t see her for dust.  But hey, give Head Office a call in the UK and they’ll try and track her down just before you leave.  You probably won’t need Tina.  You lot are a pretty resourceful bunch.  We bet you’ve already googled the local doctors, chemists and hospitals within a 50 mile radius, anyway!

Naturally, to ensure you have the best possible holiday, we’ve consulted with several experts:  we’ve drafted in Disco Dave (you know, the ASD expert from SEND Bingo©, as his neighbours’ cousin’s best friend has a granddaughter diagnosed with autism) so Dave’s our “Go To” guy on anything to do with ASD, obviously!  He does a cracking disco – Birdy Song, Agadoo, the lot.

And there’s our Krazy Karl (great name, huh?) our resident comedian extraordinaire (he nearly applied for Britains Got Talent once!).  His sisters boyfriends nan’s got arthritis, so he’s our expert on anything to do with physical disability…naturally!  Oh, he’s HILARIOUS is our Karl! No need to get all sensitive during his evening show…he makes jokes about everyone. He’s harmless, really.  He’s looking forward to wearing his shorts again…he gets his tag off next week.

Our head chef, Charlie, used to microwave food up in a pub, so he’s our expert resident dietician.  If you’ve got dietary needs, he’s the man – although we don’t do that gluten free/allergy rubbish or puree anything and we certainly won’t store any of that ‘special’ milk for tube feeds…we have our health and safety to think of!  Just keep it in your suitcase, we don’t want you encouraging the cockroaches.  It’ll be fine.  Anyway, Charlie doesn’t believe in funny diets, he says it’s just a fad and everyone should just eat what they’re given and have done with it.  So, he and his team have devised an extensive menu and will treat you to an array of culinary delights:  chips and beans, chips and pizza, chips and egg, chips and sausage, chips and gravy…and his signature dish…Beef Vindaloo out of a tin (half rice, half chips).  That man deserves a Michelin star!

Our restaurant gets a bit busy, so we’d prefer it if you booked for, say, 4pm (we’d like you out before 5)  The likes of you probably won’t want to eat near other people though anyway, surely.  So we’ll seat you in the corner, out of the way, near the toilets.  You’re welcome!…Just don’t make a mess.

We hope you like your accommodation.  We’ve catered for your every need – bed, window, 3ft bathroom with toilet and bath.  What? What’s a hoist? No, we don’t do special beds…our beds are special enough.  A changing bed in the bathroom?  Oh no, we don’t put beds in a bathroom.  Mind you, we do have an old paste board somewhere that the decorator left.  Will that do? You lot are quite resourceful bunch anyway, we’re sure you can cobble something together.

So, Special Mums and Dads, we bet it’s been ages since you’ve had 5 minutes to yourself.  So why not pop your little poppets in our Kidz Klub for a few hours whilst you grab a coctail? Our rates are very reasonable – £86.50 SEND rates or £7.50 ‘normal’ rates per half day.  Krazy Karl and his team will entertain the kids whilst you have a rest.  Oh, sorry, no, we can’t take that one…health and safety/not enough staff…and the risk assessments alone would be a nightmare!.  No, we’ll take that one, not the other one.

What?  The beach is too crowded?  You can’t get the wheelchair onto the sand?  Don’t you know how much those sand wheelchairs cost?  Well, in that case, you’d be better off round the pool for a bit.  Whilst there, you’ll undoubtedly come across our lovely repeat guests:  Bernard the retired butcher from Birmingham and his wife Barbara.  A portly couple who like a tipple or twelve.  Bernard loves his ‘all day breakfast’…all day! And prides himself at how much perspiration he can produce whilst wolfing down our world renowned Beef Vindaloo (half rice, half chips) – a true man indeed!  Always eager to  talk at chat with new people are these two, oh and Bernard is a comedian…”We love children.  Couldn’t eat a whole one though.  Ha ha, eh, Babs?”.  Barbara didn’t want children – it would’ve ruined her weekend candlelight dinner parties, however, she’s an expert in everything child related as she did the books for six months at a children’s nursery in 1978.  Bernard is always willing to offer Barbara’s services….and if you need to toilet train your 6 year old disabled daughter, Barbara’s the one to do it.  “Give her to Barbara” he guffaws, “she’ll have her trained in a week, ha ha ha”. (#actualtruecomment #ikidyounot) – Bernard really does possess a subtle knack of pointing out your epic parenting failures, doesn’t he?

…he’s a legend!

So, you’re by the pool – yay!  You need a hoist to get in and out of the water?  Seriously?  *tuts*  No, no, no!  That’d spoil the aesthetics!

Oh and don’t get all sensitive when you’re out and about…the locals aren’t really used to…erm…well, you know…’them’.  It’s only natural they’ll stare.

Right, I’m sure you have everything you need, so we’ll leave you to it.

 

Happy Holiday!

 

So, what d’ya think?  Sounds fun eh? Make sure you book your next holiday with SEND Holidays™.

Prices for a weeks accommodation start from £7894.95 per person.  Naturally, if it didn’t have SEND in the title, it’d only cost you £345.00.

Oh, and given you lot can be a bit sickly, we’d highly recommend you lot take out our prize winning holiday insurance.  Just visit our two companies:

www.wewonttouchyouwithabargepole.com

or

www.wewilltouchyouwithabargepolebutitwillcostyouafortune.com

(Gentle reminder again…please don’t take any teensy bit of this post seriously.  At all.  Ever.  This is all fictitious)

 

That’s all for now my lovelies,

Thanks, as always, for stopping by.

Until next time

Annie xoxo

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